spinning out anxiety

The past few days have been emotionally charged and I'm doing my best to guide myself into a new, better rhythm. As always, it's much easier said than done.

At the start of the month, I had to give up working for the time being. Whilst this new normal will be better in the long-term, for the time being, it is rocky. Fears about money, the future, and espeacially my own self worth as a disabled person are clouding the horizon and making it hard to see beyond this situation. And poor Nico is witnessing long, passionate displays of sadness, anger and anxiety. Sometimes (unfairly) directed at him.

In the aftermath of a storm, I can see how it's difficult to find that balance between indulgence and comfort. He continues to express his endless, wholehearted love. And I continue to express my frustrations and damn down-hearted state. Usually, he would encourage me to let go of my anxiety by walking; pounding it out on a mountain path rather than dissolving in a flood of tears. But walking is hard for me at the moment. Hard physically, hard emotionally. So if my anxiety can't come out in my feet, perhaps it can come out in my hands instead?

About a month ago, we found a beautiful, old double-drive spinning wheel. Although it was actually for my birthday, we've been getting to know each other in the quiet moments.

I felt like I'd reached a point where I needed to find some release instead of getting caught up in my sadness. Starting to spin my own wool is helping me to do just that. Learning to find that gentle equilibrium between enough and not enough tension. Learning a new skill is helping me focus on the task in hand, and not worry about the rest.